It’s Not Easy, This Mom Thing

Barry is away for work again. He has been away since Tuesday morning. Since then I have swung between feeling bad for him for being away from his home and family… and envying him (just a teeny tiny bit). It’s not easy – this mom thing. Our days are filled with a hurricane of different emotions. Upset over the milk being finished and you didn’t know. Panic to get the kids (and self) ready and be on time for work. Indecision over whether or not to sneak a marshmallow Easter egg into their lunchboxes for a Friday treat and hope the teacher doesn’t catch wind (Teacher, if you are reading this, I didn’t I swear). Slightly manic anger when you hear that someone was nasty to one of your precious angels at school. Frustration over how many times you need to ask your offspring to JUST GET YOUR SHOES ON!!! Complete and utter love when you kiss your babies goodbye. So. Many. Emotions. Then - if you, by some miracle, manage to get said offspring to school on time and drama-free – you drive out the school gate (giving yourself a mental victory high-five) and realise that you forgot to give them their multivitamin/cream for their dry lips/extra water for sports day. Just like that, the dreaded Mom Guilt (MG) sets in and totally kills the mood. Being a mom has changed my life – and I don’t just mean the obvious changes like how we now have way less money, or that parts of my body will never be the same again or even how my new name officially is “CaseyandLuke’sMommy”. It’s changed who I am: my priorities, my perception of things and even my fears. I used to be able to stand on the side of a mountain and take a photo of the scenery without feeling as though I am about to vomit or faint. I bungee jumped off the highest bridge in the Southern Hemisphere (or something like that) and enjoyed it for goodness sake! But since having children? I can barely ride on a small Ferris Wheel without being on the verge of tears. I even tried going on the little cable car at the zoo once about a year ago and I started to have a panic attack (while trying to play it cool so I don’t pass the fears onto my children). I pictured the little car we were in plummeting down to the ground and I kept trying to plan how I would shield the kids with my body. If I go on a plane now, I spend a good part of the journey trying to remember whether we ever actually got round to updating our wills as we had planned to. I feel so much more… mortal somehow, and even though I know most of my fears are totally irrational, it doesn’t make them any less real to me at the time. I even have a fear of parking lots now. I look suspiciously at every car as if they are lying in wait for us to walk past so that they can reverse into us at a high speed. All of a sudden, a whole new world of threats to my children’s safety has emerged (some real… most imaginary) and I feel like I am in one of those movies where a normal person tries to be a superhero, but fails miserably at it (my name would be something like ‘Captain Grannypants’ or ‘Agent Poo-Bum-Wiper’). Yesterday was a terrible day, superhero-wise, for me. The electricity was off at our office and I tried, and failed miserably, to get the generator started. I refused to give up, as if this was some sort of test. I went off to get petrol for it and came back to the office high on the fumes after the canister spilt in my car. After refilling it, checking all the levers, switches and choke-thingys were all as they should be – still nothing. I pulled the rope-start thing so hard about 200 times – in my high heel boots – until I was sweating profusely, most of the muscles in my body had gone into spasm and I was seeing stars. I finally conceded defeat just as the electricity went back on. I left the office with a massive migraine, feeling like a total failure as a person. Thinking about it now, this may have been a tad dramatic, but I kept wondering how I am supposed to keep children happy and alive or run a business when I can’t even start a stupid generator. I left the office mentally and physically exhausted (note to self: do more exercise) and blinked back tears as I went through the KFC drive-through on my way home. I just couldn’t face going home to try cook something (I then had serious MG for feeding my kids fast food on a school night). I walked in the door to the sweet sound of “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” as my babies ran to hug me hello. Casey saw how miserable I looked and I explained how Mommy had just had an ugly day. We sat at the table with our (gasp!) fast food and ate together. We then went and had a bath, all three of us, and got into the comfiest pjs we own. After that, I was asked to lie down while Luke gave me a foot and calf massage (erm, it was more like smearing far too much cream half-heartedly onto my feet and legs then going off to watch TV, but the thought was there) and Casey gave me a neck and back massage. I was so moved by the genuine concern they showed for their mommy and how they just wanted to help me feel a little better. I was even brought a pillow and a blanket and instructed to relax. It’s not easy – this mom thing. It’s not easy to have your heart walking outside of your body and have the constant fear that they will be harmed, while knowing you can’t be there for them every second of the day. It’s not easy to face fears you never knew you would have, or to pick yourself back up when you fall to show them that they can do it too. But my goodness, is it worth it! Like I said, having children has changed me. It has turned me into a bit of a scaredy-cat, I will admit, but it has also shown me that I can (with my awesome husband’s help obviously) raise two amazing, caring and sensitive children. If I can do that, I can do anything!

Well, anything except start a generator...