Anxious? Who, Me??

So I am going to just come right out and say that I have anxiety. I am sure mine isn’t as bad as other people, but it is there – waiting to pounce at the most inconvenient times. 

Things that seem insignificant can trigger feelings of overwhelming helplessness – like too many dishes in the kitchen sink or dirty paw prints (from our numerous pets) in the hallway. Crazy right? I have questioned my self-worth, been cross with myself for letting small things get to me and I have isolated myself. An unusually large amount of time is spent trying to ascertain whether there is in fact anything to actually feel anxious about at that very moment. Most of the time there isn’t… but it’s as if my brain has decided that things are too calm and then creates its own drama. I can’t help it! As time has gone on, I have gotten a lot better and my husband is a huge help. He knows that sometimes I need time to process change or a trip to the doctor to check out what could possibly be a symptom of cancer but never is. That every single month I will worry about finances, even though I have worked out that we will make it through to the next pay day with relative comfort (kind of). That I will read, and reread messages and blogs over and over to make sure I have said the right thing and there is no chance I could upset anyone. Just him not reacting negatively to me helps me. A lot. I have also learnt to laugh at some of the situations I put myself in because of feelings of anxiety or awkwardness. For example, being out of my comfort zone can go one of three ways: 1. My heart starts beating fast and I then start talking… and don’t stop. By the time I am done, whoever I have been speaking to pretty much know my entire life story, my mouth is try and I feel a little out of breath. I hate awkward silences and try to fill them as fast as possible. I can steer almost any topic around to my husband’s drug addiction and how it actually is the best thing that happened to me (other than my family, obviously). For example, a conversation can go something like this:

Stranger: “How old is your son?” Me: “He is four. Which is the exact amount of time my husband has been clean and sober for!” 2. I become awkward. This is when a waiter will say “Enjoy your dinner!” And I will say “Thanks you too!” (This happens less than the verbal diarrhoea though) 3. I sweat. Like, I can smell myself. I usually look around and wonder if anyone else is feeling as hot as I am and they all look pretty comfortable. So I put my hands on my hips and air out my pits while trying to look casual and breezy.  A trip to the hairdresser on Tuesday turned into a classic Awkward Kelly moment when I went to a new place with all new people. The more I tried to be cool, the more awkward and graceless I became. My mind was racing ahead like a steam train, and the thoughts were something like this: “Am I talking too much or too little? Is my hair really damaged from using cheapo shampoo and conditioner? Is she thinking my hair was like straw? Oh my word, she is going to go home and tell her husband all about the new client with the really bad hair isn’t she?! Wow, you can really see the wrinkles on my forehead in this light. I really need to stop taking my makeup off with hand wash. Am I slouching? Should I sit up straighter? Oh wait, now it looks like I am pushing my boobs out. This black cape thing really makes my face look fat. Maybe sticking my chin out will make me look skinnier. Nope, now I look weird. Ok sit normally, just relax! Oh no!! My battery is dead on my phone! What now? Now I look totally out of place sitting here uncomfortably glancing around. Oh good, its wash out time. Do I close my eyes or keep my eyes open? Is it weird if I watch all the people walking past me? I just made eye contact with that lady! Awkward. Holy moley this lady has some conditioner massaging skills. Ooooh! Wowwee that feels amazing. Her hands are like magic! Oh my hat I have goosebumps! I hope she doesn’t see that. Act cool, act cool. Now I need to pee.” As if me swinging between talking too much and then not talking at all wasn’t strange enough, the hairdresser asked me if I would like a neck sponge before washing the colour out of my hair and I replied “What is that?”, to which she replied “It is a sponge for your neck. It’s all in the name.” Great. Now she thinks I am weird AND a total idiot. I excused myself to go to the loo and had a good giggle at myself while on the toilet… at the precise moment someone else walked into the bathroom and heard me literally laughing out loud. On my own. In a toilet cubical. I pretended I was on the phone on the toilet instead, which I thought would make me seem more normal somehow… before I realized my phone was actually at the hair station. 

There was no rescuing the situation. What made matters even worse was that for the first time ever, I could find a way to bring up my husband’s addiction. So I had no material. So embarrassing. At least my unicorn hair looks amazing, which made the whole thing worth it in the end. 

Luke’s party date drawers nearer and the weather man has confirmed rain for that day - so my worry has been raised to Level: Hide in Bathroom and Eat Chocolate. That’s pretty much one away from Level: Scream at Poor Husband and Kids for No Reason Whatsoever. I mean, as if I don’t have a hundred nonexistent things to worry about already, now I have to stress about having 27 kids at our house all sitting in our lounge too? As I type this I can feel my armpit start to sweat. My plan B may have to be a party in my garage, which seems a lot less Pinteresty. Oh well.... So in conclusion, I have a problem with anxiety, I think I sweat more than normal people and I embarrass myself in front of strangers. How did I ever land a husband? He was probably high at the time. Did I mention he is a recovering drug addict? (See what I did there? Literally any topic!)

I leave you with a very relatable quote for me: “I’ve suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened” – Mark Twain