12 (more) Confessions
This last week has been way better. Look, most of the time I do feel hopelessly under qualified for this mom job (which should require some kind of PhD in my opinion), but I have tiny moments in between where I reckon I rock its socks off.
Plus, whenever I feel a little down, I put on You're Welcome from Moana and dance it out Gangnam Style. I think I look quite good actually... right before I fall to the ground panting after only 3 minutes, that is.
My good week started when I got a new three pack of undies, which cheered me right up. There is nothing like a new pair of floral/tan coloured granny panties that don't dig into your hips, accentuating your muffin top. Add to that my newly discovered tin of spray on moisturizer and I feel like a new woman. Also, on Tuesday I took out a pair of socks with no holes in the heels on the first try AND I found R20 in my jacket pocket. How can one person have so much luck in one day? Although, I must say the highlight of my week was when I received a delivery of gorgeous flowers on Wednesday from the husband man, which made me feel totally special and loved. Well done Babe, you can stay.
Anyway, I was going through my blogs the other day and I really feel that I held back in the one with my confessions. I feel like I have done my readers out there a disservice, as there are waaaay more I could add.
So, I thought I would put together a Part Two of the Kelly (A.K.A MOMMYYYYYYY!!!) confessions. I feel like we hide things about ourselves sometimes - not because we want to be dishonest or fake in any way - but because we are scared of what people's opinions may be. I may say I don't care what others think of me, but that isn't true at all. Truth is that I am not perfect, and I stopped trying to be long ago.
Here are more of my secret confessions:
1. I ate fish. I am a vegetarian. Well, at least I used to be... for 12 whole years, until we went away to Cape Town for a holiday in February. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I was shoving fish and chips smothered in lemon butter and tartar in my face as if my life depended on it. Since then I have been getting my fish and chips fix whenever Barry and I go on date night and have sworn my husband to secrecy. After 7 months of keeping this huge secret I feel it’s time to confess I was weak… And that I am now officially a pescatarian. There, I said it. I feel lighter already.
2. I am intimidated by other moms. Pretty much every other mom seems to have it together more than I do. I always wonder what they are thinking when I drop my kids off at school. I wonder if they think I am a loser mom, whether I am dressed okay and if I have dried toothpaste on my mouth. I feel totally awkward, as if I am myself back in school hoping everyone would like me. I can’t help it! The good thing is that I drop my kids off way early in the morning so that I am not late for work, so my chances of running into a dozen moms is highly unlikely… Athletics mornings are near panic attack moments for me. How strange is that? I really need to work on this.
3. I congratulate myself after every packed lunch I make for the kids in the evenings. Okay, so I can’t cook, but flip can I pack a mean lunch box. It is filled with healthy things like a little box of milk, a piece of fruit, rice cakes, yoghurt and olives. Those are the times I walk around the kitchen like a boss, feeling like I am totally winning at life. The lunch boxes come home empty too! (Although, thinking about it now, this may be because my kids either throw it away or swap their healthier items for a sugar fix.)
Also, I think I am addicted to lunch bags. Every time I see a cute one I want to buy it for my kids. They have 4 each now, which may be excessive… The latest one I bought for each of them says “Don’t forget you are awesome!” on the front, which I feel wasn’t just a nice-to-have but in fact a necessity for our children’s self-esteem. My husband, on the other hand, rolled his eyes and pointed out that no one needs 4 lunch bags. Total rain on my parade. (Deep down I think he probably just wanted to hear he is awesome too.)
4. I am a serial plant killer. I don’t know what it is! I keep buying new pretty plants for my house with the intention of keeping it alive for years to come but somehow it always ends up wilting and dead within a month. How hard can it be? You water it once a week. I mean really! I have no idea how my kids are still thriving like they are, but I cannot manage to keep a cactus from shriveling into a sad little spikey raisin-like thing. Don’t even get me started on orchids - the stuff of nightmares.
5. I can’t handle my house being dirty. It is so ridiculous and I know it is something I really need to get a handle of. I have to stop myself from getting out the vacuum cleaner on a Saturday morning literally just after I have woken up. It has caused issues with my husband - as mess brings much anxiety and irritation on my side which is then directed his way and it isn’t fair. If people come over I go into full blown cleaning mode, on my hands and knees cleaning every spot on the tiles. It’s weird because I honestly don’t even notice mess in other people’s homes, just my own. I wonder a lot whether anyone else is so anal about cleaning, or if it’s just me.
6. I get sympathy mom guilt. So here’s the story: while dropping my kids off at school, the frazzled mom in the car beside ours was having a good ol’ moan at her kids for taking so long to get out the car. She was clearly late for work and had just reached boiling point. She drove off and while I was saying goodbye to my kids, I saw her little girl looking sad and a teacher comforting her. I felt sick to my stomach. Not just because my heart hurt for the little girl, of course it did, but because I have been that mom – several times. That mom in such a hurry, stressing about being late for work. That mom that freaked out at her son for taking his shoes off in the car because by doing so, he literally guaranteed me an extra 2 minutes of late-ness as I now had to put them back on and tie laces with fumbling fingers when we got to school. That poor mom, who probably just felt overwhelmed, and now would spend the rest of the day feeling awful and wishing she was just 10 minutes late instead. I gave my kids extra kisses and walked out the door, my heart in my stomach and the Hartbeespoort Dam worth of tears behind my eyes. I wish I could have given that mom a hug and told her that children know we aren’t perfect, and they forgive. We are the ones that battle to forgive ourselves and she is doing a great job, whether she feels it right now or not. For the first time ever I saw it from the outside and it hurt. I felt awful, for both mom and little girl. And I have decided that from now on, I will slow down. If I am 5 minutes late, I am going to try my very best not to let it define my reactions – as it so often has done before. The harder I am on myself, the shorter my temper is with my kids and I don't think I am the only one.
7. I am a hypochondriac. Since my mom passed away 5 years ago of cancer, I have become totally paranoid. My biggest fear is someone else I love or myself being diagnosed with the dreaded C word. Now, every ache or pain in my mind is a symptom and needs to be checked out thoroughly. I obviously hide this crushing fear from my kids, it is definitely not something I want them to inherit from me (Cinderella has caused enough damage thank you very much), but I find myself totally panicking when my husband has any kind of ailment. (The latest one was a sore elbow. I thought it may be elbow cancer. It wasn’t.)
8. I don’t know whether I will ever get the hang of this mom thing. Every time I think I got this thing down pat, I am thrown a curveball. Take Tuesday for example. We bathed the kids and just before I was about to dress them, Luke asked for a plaster for a little (and I mean barely visible to the naked eye) sore he has gotten while playing at school. I went to the get him a Batman plaster and left them in the bedroom waiting for me. When I got back, not even 30 seconds later, I hear that Luke had decided it was a great idea to pee on the carpet. Now he knows what to do when nature calls. He is right next door to the toilet. It wasn’t a case of he couldn’t make it. He just… wanted to see what would happen. So how do you even handle that? What do you say to an almost-four-year-old who shrugs when you ask him why he had a wee-wee on the carpet?? Now before you ask, it is NOT something he learnt at home. It isn’t as if I have to keep asking my husband not to pee on all the furniture and rugs or anything like that. So who knows where that came from?
9. Sometimes I hide in the toilet and pretend I am having a number two when I am not, just to get some time to myself to stalk people on Facebook. I use the word "stalk" lightly here I promise...
10. I have a very strict ‘No Eating in Mommy’s Car Or She Will Freak Out’ rule. Ok I know that sounds terrible, what mom doesn’t let her kids eat in the car? But the fact is that if I have to find one more sticky, half eaten Jelly Baby in my cup holders I may just burst a blood vessel - so it is actually for my own health and safety. Seriously, the stickiness never goes away! Also the absolute worst is when you need to take your car chairs out and lift them up to find a dump waiting for you underneath. I used to find things I don’t even remember giving the kids to eat! Things that had grown new things!
11. I can’t walk in high heels. You know when you see a woman wearing a pencil skirt and high heels and you think “wow that really looks nice”? Well that woman isn’t me. Firstly, my pencil skirt would look as though it was about to rip at the seams, as most of my clothes do nowadays, and my legs would look like a baby lamb’s does when it is trying to walk for the first time. When I wear high heels, I have to try hold onto any railings I may find around me (or my poor husband) for support while trying my utmost to look as though these painful inventions are a familiar part of my regular wardrobe. I don’t think I am fooling anyone though. The sad truth is that I almost broke my ankle walking in flats, so heels aren't just difficult to walk in for me - they could be deadly.
12. I have, quite a few times, felt almost desperate for another baby. I feel my insides jump when I see a newborn in a nappy advert, or a pregnant mommy waddling around happily. Reality comes crashing down though, when I realize that I can barely cope with two, our car is definitely not big enough for a third car seat (and our bank balance is definitely not big enough for a third school fees either) and I had awful pregnancies with my head in the loo right up until (and during) labour. Then, you know, there is the facial hair issue. I honestly don't remember having so much of it before kids! It is a genuine fear that I will turn half-teddy bear if I have another one. Our family of four is perfect for now... but I do feel space growing sllllllowly for another little one to love and lose my temper with sometime in the far off future.
I have said before, there is no such thing as a perfect parent, just normal people trying their imperfect best at parenting - and being humans in general! We all have rubbish days. We all lose our temper on the road sometimes or realize we were far too strict when it is already far too late. Casey's teacher told me once that we just need to be better than yesterday's versions of ourselves. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I realize yesterday's me kicked today's me's butt. We live and we learn from the mistakes (although that doesn't mean I won't make that same mistake the very next day!).
Have a wonderful weekend, thank you for taking the time to read what I write. I truly hope you enjoy it.
Xx
