Untitled (Because I am Wild Like That).
Alright, so things have changed a bit for This Mom Can't Cook. Saturday is my new (maybe-sometimes-probably) deadline for my (weekly, kind of) blog. I promise to try my best to post it by Saturday evenings latest - because, you know, I can't let my 6 or 7 regular readers down. They are the reason I do this anyway!
This last week has been a killer – a real emotional rollercoaster - ending with a bang today.
The dreaded Monthly Visitor is on it’s way. I am not one to plot it on a calendar, I must admit – even though I probably should, as it would eliminate the surprise element to it all. I usually realise that it must be on it's way when I lose my cool over something pathetic and then cry hysterically after. That’s normally my first clue… The second clue would be opening my bedside draw to find the empty wrappers of chocolates I basically inhaled in my bedroom while the kids were occupied. Not wanting to risk being busted, I hide the evidence and then forget about it. I am always surprised when I do a recon of the empty paper explosion. FIVE chocolates? Surely not. I am convinced that chocolates in general are shrinking in size. It is all one big conspiracy I tell you.
Yesterday morning started off really special. The kids had a dress-up day to celebrate the first day of Spring. Casey decided to go to school dressed as a Princess Bride (well actually she just wanted to be a bride, but since it didn't fit the Princess theme we chucked a tiara in and Voila!), except I made her wear 2 jerseys, because - you know - neurotic hypochondriac mom here; and Luke’s superhero outfit was a hit – that suit has muscles that most men would die for (no Dad Bod in sight).
Seeing Casey is a white dress and veil was just too much for my husband and he left for work even earlier than he normally does. I could see the massive cloud of smoke from his vape machine follow his car like it was on fire. Poor guy.
Dropping them at school was amazing. I honestly wish I could bottle the excitement felt by children who are allowed to dress up for a special occasion after wearing their uniforms every other day of their school lives. I kinda wished I was in on all the action. Especially after I saw the teachers had dressed up as princesses too! I knew I should have insisted on getting that Belle dress that one time. Barry said I would never wear it, but I would have proved him sooooo wrong. I have made a mental note to not listen to him about any purchases which I deem very necessary in the future.
The day went by fairly quickly and I left early to rush to Casey's Eisteddfod feeling proud of myself for my healthy-ish food choices through the morning. I somehow even managed to get there and seated in the hall on time (armed with an iPad as entertainment for my poor son who gets dragged along everywhere for his sister). I then spent a good 10 minutes trying to get tiny polystyrene balls out of Luke's hair - don't ask, I really don't know either! Smooth sailing right?
The calm ended abruptly when Luke got bored real fast and kept clapping hysterically while trying to rock on his chair. I stood up to record our little girl's performance to realize that the reason my butt crack felt quite chilly was because my pants were half way down. Whoops. I did a quick jiggle while simultaneously pulling them up using my belt loops and heard a rip. I decided to act as though nothing had happened and proceeded to do a weird, sideways penguin walk passed people sitting next to me. Act cool, I told myself just before I accidentally knocked someone on the back of their head with said chilly bum. Double whoops.
I made it closer to the front, where all us moms stood, camera at the ready. After our beautiful girl sang her heart out, I realized I hadn't actually pressed record. No siree. Instead, I stood holding my hand up, trying to keep as still as possible, for around 7 excruciating minutes as my arm first felt as though it was on fire then went dead - for absolutely no good reason. Fantastic. Just fantastic! I checked that there was no one standing next to me who may have noticed... phew, no witnesses.
Next came the results. The hall was quiet, everyone sitting still waiting to hear how their children had fared in their choirs. Luke was sitting quite patiently for a change when all of a sudden he declared loudly that he needed a wee-wee. Oh no. Not now. I asked him to please hold it for two more minutes. The lady finished giving out the results and I then stood up to rush Luke off to the toilets when I felt a damn squish at my side as I put him on my hip. He had wet himself. Because of me. Mom guilt set in something fierce. My eyes welled up with tears and I had to give myself a pep talk to just get to the car first.
I finally made it home to my safe place; smelling of urine; exhausted and in need of a stiff drink, rescue remedy or a nap.
Am I the only one who feels totally overwhelmed when three or more things go wrong in a short space of time? I wish I could handle it all like a boss but for some reason, while one or two things are taken in my stride (most times), three things trip me up. Four things send me over the edge and I am a crazy woman with mascara running off my chin and Nutella on my nose by the fifth. Surely there must be some kind of calming technique I should have mentally performed prior to the "meltdown of Spring Day 2017"? How do other moms seem to know about them? I have totally gone off course on my quest to inner peace.
Lastly, today was spent driving to 5 different bicycle stores trying to find bikes that won't cost the same as our car installment and school fees combined. I am keen to do some exercise and try get myself back in shape. Visions of family outings to cycle tracks all around the courtry with matching helmets sprung to my mind. I imagined us all laughing, having the best time together... but after our fruitless quest ended with fighting, screaming and several cries (and the kids were quite upset too) I feel like shoving a Tinkie in my face (I would prefer the fudge one but beggars can't be choosers).
What a week! Can we start over??
