Words I never Thought I Would Say... and then some.
Life changes when you become a parent. I don’t just mean that you now have a tiny little person relying solely on you for LIFE (which in itself if pretty overwhelming); no, I mean everything changes!
Tight tops? High heels? Actually brushing your hair or looking in the mirror without wanting to cry? Gone, gone, gone. At the same time, this can also been seen as a positive, because now when I actually do get dressed up and put on a pair (errrm the only pair I have left) of heels, I walk out the bedroom totally feeling like Cameron Diaz. But it is also more than just physical...
Emotional changes take place too.
I mean, I have always been a sensitive person, but since kids?! 'Sensitive' is now an understatement. Sad stories on the radio or TV make me cry and I can't even handle the news anymore! But it isn’t only sad things that get the water works going either, oh no! Give me a happy story to do with children, animals or an underdog beating the odds to win the race in the end and I am a blubbering mess. What happened? I swear I used to be tougher than this. I am sure I am going to be the cause of much embarrassment for my kids one day. At least they will be able to spot their mom in the crowd at school concerts and graduations – I will be the one smiling, crying and waving hysterically at them with unlimited tissues falling out my sleeve like some weird magic trick.
My short term memory has dramatically reduced.
I have been told that this momnesia thing is called “pregnancy brain” but I have not been pregnant in 4 years and I am still waiting for the effects to wear off. However, I must say, my multitasking skills have achieved level: Ninja. I can watch two kids on separate sides of a playground while constantly anticipating their next moves, hold a conversation with someone (albeit a slightly Tourette’s syndrome one with me screaming “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!” at 3-minute intervals) and run through a check list in my head of things we may or may not have done before we left – “Did we put the heater off? Yes, I remember seeing Barry do it”, “We didn’t feed the dogs!! Oh wait, I did. I remember Penny jumping on me. Oh no! Look at this dirty paw print on my shirt!”, “The oven!! We didn’t switch it off! Oh wait, we haven’t used the oven in 2 months...” This, I might add, happens ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Impressive? Damn right it is. Just as long as it doesn’t go on for too long… otherwise I may forget where we are or why we were there in the first place.
What did I just say?
There are also so many sentences that come out of my mouth on a daily basis that I never thought I would ever need to say. Here are a few of the ones I can remember:
“Stop licking the trolley”. There was a time, 6 years ago, when I thought that this would be an obvious thing not to do. How naive was I? There is no such thing as "obvious" when you have young children! Rookie mistake.
“Stop rubbing your bum on Daddy”. I also couldn't think of a response when Luke asked why, other than "Because it's weird".
“Take your hand out your pants”. (This was said to Luke, and not to my husband BTW)
"Don't chew on my calculator!"
“Please don’t put your head in the oven, it doesn't matter if it is off!”.
“Don’t let the dog lick your mouth! She licks her bum!"
"You're in luck, I shaved my ankles this morning". I had a pedi and I was genuinely impressed with myself for remembering to dry shave my ankles beforehand.
No more extreme flirting.
Other serious and sometimes anxiety inducing changes occur too. The manner in which we leave the house is one of them. What used to be a grab-the-handbag-and-go-to-the-car occasion has now become a ritual of putting what feels like 100 shoes on little feet and making sure we have something suitably entertaining for the kids in the car (this is worked out using a very precise ratio of driving distance vs attention hold-ability/device battery life) as well as snacks, spare clothes for Luke and jerseys for everyone (because you never know when a blizzard might hit in the middle of summer). It usually ends with some asking nicely, pleading, screaming…. And someone always ends up in tears and sometimes weeing in their pants.
Another big adjustment I feel needs to be addressed is parent “alone time” - Something that used to be spontaneous and has now become a scheduled event on our calendar. I am totally serious. Barring all unforeseen circumstances, Tuesdays and Fridays are now our carefully chosen days for bow-chick-a-wow-wow. (I realise now that my dad or other members of my family may be reading this, which could make our next visit slightly awkward... but I am duty-bound to tell the whole truth about parenting here).
H.S = Home Secrets
Although, I must say the change I probably noticed the most is that nothing is private anymore. Nothing at all. Our children are all seeing and all hearing. There have been a few close calls and a few downright humiliating times where what we have said or done at home has been brought up in front of family and friends and taken out of context. For example, we were at a friend’s house one Sunday afternoon when Casey loudly declared “My mommy was rubbing VASELINE on Daddy’s BUM yesterday”. I almost choked on my coffee. I could have died of embarrassment. There was a shocked silence while our friends considered calling Child Protection Services, wondering what the heck this poor little girl had witnessed her parents doing… I then started stumbling over my words trying explain that it wasn’t Vaseline, it was arnica oil and it wasn’t his bum, it was his lower-back muscle which he had hurt playing squash. Besides, it couldn’t have been any funny business, it wasn’t Tuesday or Friday! But it was too late. The damage had been done - there was no taking that image out their heads.
That was the exact moment that H.S was introduced into our household.
At the end of the day, (in my experience) parenting is an adjustment, comprised mostly of laughs and damage control. I guess the best thing to do is to roll with it like a boss.
